 I like looking back when I hike. It’s fun to see how far I’ve made it on the trek, and it encourages me to keep persevering towards the top. I never look back with sadness or with longing to be back at the spot I am looking back at. I know it was just part of the journey and that greater things lie in front of me. Looking back only encourages me to push forward and fix my eyes once again on the ultimate goal up ahead.
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This is not the life I pictured. 30 (almost 31) roaming the country solo with no permanent home address, unsure where I will be living each month, and figuring things out day by day as I go.  I am choosing to speak a new narrative over myself. A narrative that comes from my Creator, and a narrative that will change the trajectory of my life.  Here I am. Back in the throne room again. About to ask the King for the same gift yet again. Ready to hear the same rejecting answer from Him yet again…
I don’t even know why I am here. If I am honest, I don’t even have any hope of Him granting my request. I’ve been through this process far too many times, for far too many years to only hear the same answer time and time again… but yet, my heart still desires it, and so I come back time and time again to plead with the King to listen to my heart and to hear my cry. But time and time again, I am disappointed, let down, discouraged. I love solo hiking. There is something so freeing and empowering about tackling a mountain alone. However, solo hiking also can bring about its own challenges and dangers, and it does require an extra bit of caution.
I was recently embarking on a solo hike, and something just felt off. There was only one other car in the parking lot when I arrived, and my intuition was telling me to go to a more traversed hike. I am not sure whether it was pride, or just pure stubbornness to get to the destination that I wanted to get to, but I proceeded to go for it anyway. Paddleboarding is one of my favorite things! I love the peacefulness of being on the water, and the feeling of the sunshine rays reflecting off the water and hitting my face. Sometimes I get a little lost in the moment paddleboarding out, that I don’t give much thought to the fact I will have to paddleboard back in…. (and my luck, the wind is usually against me on the way back in)
Flowers are cool. I was on a hike recently when this rhododendron flower caught my attention. The colors were so beautifully vibrant , but what pulled me in was the fact that only half of the flower had bloomed. I had never seen something quite like it, and was fascinated that the one flower was blooming at different times! I guess it just wasn’t quite the time for the other buds to bloom just yet. Although only half of the flower had bloomed, it was still beautiful and lovely. And in the right time, the flower will eventually fully bloom, and become a different kind of beautiful.
I was taking a hike through the woods this morning and this broken tree caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. It was so striking to see the base of the tree quite literally split in half, yet somehow the tree was still holding together well enough to not be completely laying on the ground. I looked up and realized that the top of the tree was being held up by multiple trees around it. The trees around it were sustaining the weight of the tree, allowing it to still stand, even though the base of it was fractured.
I would never willingly choose heartbreak.
In fact, there is a whole list of emotions that I would never willingly choose… sadness, rejection, betrayal, pain, isolation, and loneliness to name a few. Like, if someone came up to me and told me a situation I was pondering or a relationship I was entering was guaranteed to end in heartbreak, I would swerve so fast the other direction to avoid the future heartbreak and pain. I would never willingly choose heartbreak. Have y’all ever read the first couple of books of the Bible? It’s challenging to read about God's deliverance of the Isralites and not feel some type of frustration with the Israelites. The doubt they have towards God seems to contradict everything that God has revealed to them about himself. As you read the stories of God’s mighty deliverances and then the stories of the peoples’ doubts almost immediately after, you are left feeling like, ‘what in the world Israel… stop doubting God when He has clearly shown you He will take care of you.’
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