When I set out on this journey just about four months ago, I thought I had a general idea of the wildness I was in pursuit of. I knew the Lord had spoken the word “wild” over me, and I was excited to set out on an adventure of a lifetime to pursue living wildly.
I guess I had this idea of wild being this somewhat rural, feral, and rough around the edges feel… maybe it meant rolling around in the dirt, or showering in lakes, or living off the land, or tackling a bear with my bare hands (ok maybe last one a bit of a stretch), but you get the picture. I expected to feel most wild when I was climbing to a rugged mountaintop or exploring uncharted backcountry with blisters all over my feet…
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Why is freedom so hard sometimes?
Why do I feel captive while running wild? Well, I guess that’s the thing… I’m not running wild. I’m stuck. Frozen. Paralyzed… I see the open meadow in front of me, full of blooming wildflowers, and glistening streams… and yet, here I stand in the grass. Frozen. Stuck. Paralyzed. Psalm 3:3 But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.
This verse has become very precious to me over recently. The last few weeks have been kinda weird mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Turns out that transitioning from frolicking on mountain tops and living new and exciting experiences every day, to temporarily moving into your parents house back home while you figure out what you are doing with your life isn’t exactly a smooth and easy transition. Lol I found myself in a bit of a funk the first few weeks home, and battling waves of depression. Life is weird right now.
I’m transitioning back to normal life after packing up and moving every week for the last four months… I have no idea what comes next… if I want to go adventure again or if I feel called to plant roots... Everything feels unknown and it’s easy for that unknown feeling to evolve into feeling lost. I think life is kinda like a big blank canvas, waiting for a beautiful story to be painted upon it.
And I think one of the biggest struggles in life is allowing the Lord to paint that story instead of taking the paint brush into our own hands to create our own masterpiece. I went fly fishing for the first time this week. I had gone fishing a few times as a kid, but it had been a good while since I had held a fishing rod in my hand. Yet, despite my complete lack of experience and expertise, I had my heart set on catching a beautiful trout. After a brief lesson from my guide, I took the couple of steps out into the river, and started casting…
Yesterday was tough. I drove to church in the morning blasting worship music with the windows down and wind in my face. I looked out in awe at the mountains and sang the lyrics to the song, “Wind of Love” by Elevation Rhythm loudly…”I put my sails in the air, I’m yours, just take me anywhere…It felt so freeing to sing those lyrics, and so freeing releasing everything to the Lord, and I fully believed I meant those words when I sang them I got the super cool opportunity to go on a tour of a dog sledding kennel this week in Breck. The absolutely stunning 156 Siberian Huskies were all sprawled out across the acres of land, each one tethered to a chain keeping them in place at their assigned locations. All the dogs piped up with energy as the tour group walked around saying hi to them and petting them, but that energy was nothing in comparison to the excitement the dogs began to show when they knew it was time to run.
When God called me on this big adventure, he had put the word Wild on my heart. I had this idea of what wild was going to look like... I imagined it as this total freedom and bliss, living life dancing in fields of wildflowers, and being filled with the joy of the Spirit.
LOL As if.. Lol This trip so far has 100% been WILD… but not in the least bit like that. I am relearning the Lord’s heart for me.
I really struggled with anxiety when planning this trip. I was so nervous that something bad was going to happen that would prevent me from going on this great adventure I had been planning, praying, and prepping for. I feel like I can somewhat easily trust God with my fears, my worries, and my struggles, but through the course of planning this trip, I realized that I have a hard time trusting God with my hopes and dreams. I think a lot of that comes down to some broken dreams I have had over my life. |
Note From Author:God talks to me through nature. I hope and pray He talks to you through my writings here.
Stay Wild Friends. |